Chinglish Speech:

I've noticed a few patterns Chinese people follow when learning/speaking English over the past month and a bit. These are little things you pick up and are caused by poorly translated (usually direct literal translations) words from Chinese to English. I felt like listing a few:

"Oh, I know, I know!"
This means they don't know. Invariably, if a Chinese person says they know, they don't. They probably have no fucking clue what's going on or what you're saying. If a Chinese person says this to you, ask them in Chinese if they understand ("Nee ge dao ma"). Because they don't.

Example:
Me: Where are my friends?
Li Bin Hui: Oh I know, I know!
No, no he doesn't.

"Hello!"
This means they are excited that a white person is near them. If you say Hello back, they will giggle. A lot. Forever. Saying Hello in Chinese (Nee Hao) makes them smile, but it secretly disappoints them because you won't speak English to them.

"Nice to meet you!"
95 % of the time, this will be butchered to the point where you don't understand it. Almost identical to "Hello!", it is mostly said to get an English answer out of the weird foreigner. If a Chinese person you know says it, they actually mean "Good to see you again", or "See you later".

"Ahhhh-mell-ee-kan"
Usually uttered by small children, since they are taught more English right from the start. They think you are American. If you answer "No, I'm Canadian", even in Chinese, they will become terrified and run away because the demon in white skin is looking at them.

"OK?"
This actually means OK, but is often used gratuitously. "I am going to help you, OK, OK?" or "How are you, OK?" are common phrases. When said to you, you will often feel that they do not actually know the meaning or usage of the word OK, but that they have memorized where to say it, along with the rest of the sentence, and just think it should be there. When Asians study, they don't learn, they memorize. So the entity "HowareyouOK" is inseparable to them.

"I speak little English"
This means you're about to have the same conversation with this guy as everyone else who has memorized this sentence. I will now show you this conversation:

Him: Hello! *awkward stare*
You: *Uncomfortably* Hi...
Him: I speak little English
You: *Dreadfully* Oh?
Him: Where you from?
You: Canada
Him: Ohhh... Janada, Janada, Janada... Why you here? Bidness?
You: No, not business, I am on vacation
Him: Ohhh... Vay-Cay-Shun. You student?
You: Yes, I study computers *demonstrate typing with hands* in Canada
Him: Ohhhh... Janada, Janada, Janada... How long you here in Wuxi/China?
You: One month.
Him: Ohhhh... How long you stay here?
You: 2 more months
Him: Ohhhh... I know, I know (see above for what he actually means)

This is where the conversation fails. It will always fail here. I have yet to have a conversation longer than this. Sometimes, just sometimes, someone will start a continuation of the conversation if you sit around in awkward silence long enough, and ask you if you have seen a certain city. If you say Yes, they have nothing to say to you. If you say No, the city is always beautiful, and often turns out to be their hometown.

This conversation is set in stone, and will not vary. You will have it in the most awkward of places (IE: Waiting by a urinal, waiting for your turn in the stall, or even while using a urinal.) I am nice, and so I always see the conversation through, but you will eventually tire of this conversation, and learn to make it as efficient as possible so it ends sooner.